30 things astronauts are not allowed to do in space. Inspired by the infamous Skippy List. I can only hope that one day I may have the opportunity to break any of these rules.
1. I am not allowed to fly around the cabin like Superman when I am supposed to be working.
2. The correct hull breach procedure is not “hold my breath and hope for the best.”
3. If I say I saw aliens or crop circles one more time I will be banned from doing media and outreach.
4. My proper title is “Mission Specialist.” Not “Red Beard the Space Pirate.”
5. “I’m not upside-down. You’re upside-down” gets old after the first day in space, and really tiresome when I say it every day during a 6-month mission.
6. I am no longer allowed to ride the vacuum cleaner. It is not “my mighty space stead.”
7. I am to stop suggesting that the Commander “step outside for a minute and take the air.”
8. I am neither “King” nor “Emperor” of Space and cannot demand that CAPCOM address me as such.
9. When Houston order me to stop acting like a child I should not respond with “Come up here and say that!”
10. I am not allowed to float sleeping crew mates into the middle of the cabin where they can’t reach any hand holds. (It was funny the first time. But after a week it gets old.)
11. I am not allowed to re-arrange ISS modules because “the feng shui is completely off.”
12. “The dynamics of boobies in zero-g” is not a legitimate science experiment.
13. Dominoes Pizza do not deliver to Low Earth Orbit and I am to stop calling them.
14. A “space suit and a catcher’s mitt” is not how we deal with potential space debris collisions.
15. Stop taunting the Russians.
16. Stop taunting the Canadians.
17. Stop taunting the… Actually. Nevermind. Keep taunting the British.
18. “To join the 100-mile-high club” is not an appropriate answer to “What drove you to become an astronaut?”
18a. To “bang green alien chicks like Captain Kirk” is also inappropriate.
19. “Vehicle shook violently, then the engine died” is not to be written up in maintenance requests. That is what rockets do.
(John Grunsfeld actually did this.)
20. Not allowed to convince Houston there is a stowaway on board by playing a recording of another person’s voice.
(Again, Owen Garriott actually did this.)
21. I am to stop requesting NASA send several gigabytes of porn every time there is a large data uplink.
22. I cannot claim to be sick with massive hay fever. There’s no pollen in space.
23. Stop mentioning flat earth stuff. Those lunatics don’t need any encouragement.
24. “Giant space ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
25. Yes, Commander Hadfield’s Space Oddity parody was good for public relations, but Cee Lo Green’s F**k You is crude and inappropriate.
26. Rockets are shaped like that for aerodynamic reasons. Not phallic. Stop telling people this.
27. A fart in a space suit is not a legitimate scientific experiment.
28. I am not allowed to wear only my underwear in a space suit. I am not Sandra Bullock.
29. I can’t ignore orders from Houston because “Starfleet’s Prime Directive prohibits me from having contact with a pre-warp civilization.”
30. I am not allowed to trade NASA, ESA, or JAXA hardware to the Russians in exchange for vodka.